Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.
This morning/early afternoon we found this on tumblr as a part of a post on '23 Emotions people feel, but can't explain', and we thought it would be good to write a post we've wanted to write for a while. So here we go - Letters to Our Younger Selves.
To Past Alison,
So, I suppose the biggest thing you should know is that you're 15 and not in Scotland anymore. We (as in Mum, Dad and brothers) uprooted to England in August 2013, and you're probably not going to love living in a village too much - but you'll meet some pretty great people that will make it all okay. I mean how far back are we going here? So aged 4? You've got a brother coming next year, and another coming the year after - they're great, annoying, but great.
At 6, you're going to move to schools for the first time. You'll be disappointed because you thought you'd finally be in Lucy's class, but you'll still go to gymnastics with her (even though eventually that will stop too) and the new school will be fine. It's only Mum and Dad making sure you get into a really good high school rather than the same one they went to.
You'll spend the next seven years in that house, that town, so most of my memories are there. Your best friends, your first day of every year, all the worrisome dress down days, parties, first boyfriend, school dances and all the horrible weeks leading up to Christmas having to hold hands (!) with boys (you'll get over it eventually). There's the time your friend will find your diary and not let it go for months about how you like that guy (I don't even remember his name now so you'll get over that too), or the other time your friends found out who you liked, got you to buy him a valentines card for him and then when everyone found out it was you teased you endlessly for years. There will even be a nickname but you can laugh about it in the future.
Despite all that, there will be serious times too; teachers will treat you bad (You can do maths despite what she said and one day you'll be in fast track top set and then top of the class), there's going to be times when you get pulled up for stuff you didn't do, and you'll have to stand up for yourself, and other times other people will do things to you (like the time in second year graphics). I can't stress it enough how important it is you tell someone, these things still make me emotional, but they were dealt with.
But after seven years, you're going to leave. You're going to leave all the times with your best friends, and even the ones with the people you hate when you get shoved in a puddle and forced to spill your secrets before they let you out. You're going to leave all those sleepovers with eyeliner on your lips and cheeks and as a moustache, or the party when all the adults were drunk and we played spin the bottle (aged 10 or 11), even the one when Beth woke up with a shoe and your floor gets stained with pink (aged 12 I think). You're going to England, and eventually you'll learn to love it - well your friends anyway. Friends like Sabrina, who you obviously start a blog with, like Caitlin who you spill everything to, like Maddie who keeps you watching all the best shows and reading all the best books, and all the others too.
There will be another boyfriend (age 14), that'll end - you'll be pretty devastated but don't hold on to it for two long, there will be a first kiss and the first time you'll be called a slut (age 15) - but you're a stronger person so you deal with it fine.
The sleepovers get pretty great too. There's the halloween one, with windows open and screaming until 4 in the morning, the birthday with the hallucination videos and three on the bed, three on the floor - half of them hidden under the bed and one getting hit on the head, the one when you and Sabrina stay up talking about the world, feminism and all sorts until Dad's alarm goes off, and the sleepover before you go to meet some people you met online.
Those people are pretty amazing; Caitlin and Leona (there's Tina too, but you won't meet her that time round). It'll be one of the best days of you're life, and despite what they say to children about not talking to people online because bad things happen, it was quite the opposite with this lot. Another one of the best days is when you'll see 5 Seconds of Summer for real (June 6th 2015 with Caitlin), or when you get an A* in your mock exam, then another, or even when you get the tickets to go to Summer in the City.
There's some really great moments, but I won't spill it all - even if I did say a lot.
It's a pretty great life so just live it to the full and don't put up with too much nonsense, even if you think they're friends, family or whatever.
Goodbye x
To Past Alison,
So, I suppose the biggest thing you should know is that you're 15 and not in Scotland anymore. We (as in Mum, Dad and brothers) uprooted to England in August 2013, and you're probably not going to love living in a village too much - but you'll meet some pretty great people that will make it all okay. I mean how far back are we going here? So aged 4? You've got a brother coming next year, and another coming the year after - they're great, annoying, but great.
At 6, you're going to move to schools for the first time. You'll be disappointed because you thought you'd finally be in Lucy's class, but you'll still go to gymnastics with her (even though eventually that will stop too) and the new school will be fine. It's only Mum and Dad making sure you get into a really good high school rather than the same one they went to.
You'll spend the next seven years in that house, that town, so most of my memories are there. Your best friends, your first day of every year, all the worrisome dress down days, parties, first boyfriend, school dances and all the horrible weeks leading up to Christmas having to hold hands (!) with boys (you'll get over it eventually). There's the time your friend will find your diary and not let it go for months about how you like that guy (I don't even remember his name now so you'll get over that too), or the other time your friends found out who you liked, got you to buy him a valentines card for him and then when everyone found out it was you teased you endlessly for years. There will even be a nickname but you can laugh about it in the future.
Despite all that, there will be serious times too; teachers will treat you bad (You can do maths despite what she said and one day you'll be in fast track top set and then top of the class), there's going to be times when you get pulled up for stuff you didn't do, and you'll have to stand up for yourself, and other times other people will do things to you (like the time in second year graphics). I can't stress it enough how important it is you tell someone, these things still make me emotional, but they were dealt with.
But after seven years, you're going to leave. You're going to leave all the times with your best friends, and even the ones with the people you hate when you get shoved in a puddle and forced to spill your secrets before they let you out. You're going to leave all those sleepovers with eyeliner on your lips and cheeks and as a moustache, or the party when all the adults were drunk and we played spin the bottle (aged 10 or 11), even the one when Beth woke up with a shoe and your floor gets stained with pink (aged 12 I think). You're going to England, and eventually you'll learn to love it - well your friends anyway. Friends like Sabrina, who you obviously start a blog with, like Caitlin who you spill everything to, like Maddie who keeps you watching all the best shows and reading all the best books, and all the others too.
There will be another boyfriend (age 14), that'll end - you'll be pretty devastated but don't hold on to it for two long, there will be a first kiss and the first time you'll be called a slut (age 15) - but you're a stronger person so you deal with it fine.
The sleepovers get pretty great too. There's the halloween one, with windows open and screaming until 4 in the morning, the birthday with the hallucination videos and three on the bed, three on the floor - half of them hidden under the bed and one getting hit on the head, the one when you and Sabrina stay up talking about the world, feminism and all sorts until Dad's alarm goes off, and the sleepover before you go to meet some people you met online.
Those people are pretty amazing; Caitlin and Leona (there's Tina too, but you won't meet her that time round). It'll be one of the best days of you're life, and despite what they say to children about not talking to people online because bad things happen, it was quite the opposite with this lot. Another one of the best days is when you'll see 5 Seconds of Summer for real (June 6th 2015 with Caitlin), or when you get an A* in your mock exam, then another, or even when you get the tickets to go to Summer in the City.
There's some really great moments, but I won't spill it all - even if I did say a lot.
It's a pretty great life so just live it to the full and don't put up with too much nonsense, even if you think they're friends, family or whatever.
Goodbye x
To Past Sabrina,
I think the biggest thing that's changed is that you're 15 and not living in Dubai anymore. In fact, you moved from Dubai just before you turned 7, and it was a pretty abrupt move so you had no time to prepare. Sadly, you didn't get the chance to say goodbye to your friends, but I guess life doesn't go the way you always planned. I'm starting out with that because if you hadn't moved to England, absolutely none of the following would have happened.
When you move to England, you suddenly feel a bit lost and confused and alone in the tiny village you're living in. Everyone knew each other and grew up together, so you feel like quite an outsider. Your first day at the new primary school was a bit of a disaster, but luckily you managed to make a couple of really good friends that supported you throughout the whole of primary school, no matter how much the rest of the class disliked you. You make some pretty cringy attempts at fitting in and your stubborn self constantly wanted to feel accepted by others. Your alien-like aura in the primary school classroom ended up you being bullied for the first half of primary school, and if I'm completely honest it drops your self-esteem massively. At around 9 years old, you found yourself putting concealer over your dark circles and you looked in the mirror and immediately thought you were ugly - children can be cruel. Don't get me wrong, you still were generally quite happy and everything, but when people asked to be your boyfriend as a joke, that got you down quite a bit. You should see your 15 year old self - puberty can be a beautiful thing, that's for sure. You finally see how much of a beautiful person you are, I cannot comprehend how much happier you become within yourself.
The whole "trying to fit in" thing continued throughout primary school and the beginning of secondary school, and I can assure you now that it was not worth it. Actually, no, it was worth it. It's allowed your older self to reflect and learn from your mistakes, which is probably the most important part of growing up. But honestly, the constant change of clothes and school bags and personality and getting upset over others not accepting you is really not worth the hassle and negativity that it caused you.
At around 13 years old, you discover an odd YouTube channel called 'danisnotonfire'. Boy, that changed everything. After binge-watching Dan's (and eventually AmazingPhil's) YouTube channel for the entire summer, you decide to create a tumblr - partly thanks to the persuasion of your new Scottish friend Alison. I think we can all agree here that everyone had an awkward start to the blogging world, and I was no exception. However, joining tumblr was probably one of the worst yet best decisions of your life. Worst, because it knocked your ongoing streak of doing school work efficiently. Best, because it's completely turned your self-esteem around and allowed you to meet some amazing friends. In fact, you've just hit 10,000 followers on there! Pretty cool, if I do say so myself.
Tumblr has educated you on so many things such as feminism and the reality of the media, as well as teaching you to become a more open and accepting person (which becomes quite important as you get older, but let's not get into that).
I think from about Year 9 onwards, you realise that life is actually pretty great. Yeah, there are still some ups and downs, such as not doing too well on tests and being insecure with your intelligence, but you meet some pretty incredible friends. There's Alison, who you start the blog with and have amazing times with. There's Caitlin, who is always motivating you to try harder and is there to support you through thick and thin. There's Maddie, who is really nice and patient with you, no matter how dumb you may seem at times. And there's also a newcomer, Tia, who may seem a bit strange at first but is actually a really sweet person.
There's also a guy who you may think is amazing and you end up having a hopeless crush on him, and admittedly you guys do get pretty close and nearly get to having a relationship. But, again, it's not worth it. He's problematic, goes against your own beliefs, and no matter how much you think he's special and treats you nicely, you don't want that sort of person in your life. I know, you're 14 and you want a boyfriend, and now that you finally have a guy treating you how you wanted after such a long time, of course you're gonna want to go out with him. But please, wait until you're absolutely sure you will be happy to be in a relationship before you rush into anything. Take your time, don't let others make you feel pressured to grow up. You are so full of potential, and you grow into a beautiful person, inside and out, don't let that be wasted on someone who you feel won't be right for you.
You've got a lot ahead of you in life, such as Summer in the City, dealing with serious issues with friends, and coming to terms with yourself and those around you. But, you get the role of senior prefect in secondary school, and you get an A* in your English mock exam and coursework. You should be proud of your achievements, even if you feel that they aren't as big as others'. Embrace what you've been given, embrace what you have accomplished, embrace what makes you happy.
I hope my future self meets someone that's right for her. I hope my future self learns to become secure with her intelligence and her paths in life. I hope my future self is happy, because that's what is most important in life, isn't it?
See you soon with another blog post,
- Alison and Sabrina
I think the biggest thing that's changed is that you're 15 and not living in Dubai anymore. In fact, you moved from Dubai just before you turned 7, and it was a pretty abrupt move so you had no time to prepare. Sadly, you didn't get the chance to say goodbye to your friends, but I guess life doesn't go the way you always planned. I'm starting out with that because if you hadn't moved to England, absolutely none of the following would have happened.
When you move to England, you suddenly feel a bit lost and confused and alone in the tiny village you're living in. Everyone knew each other and grew up together, so you feel like quite an outsider. Your first day at the new primary school was a bit of a disaster, but luckily you managed to make a couple of really good friends that supported you throughout the whole of primary school, no matter how much the rest of the class disliked you. You make some pretty cringy attempts at fitting in and your stubborn self constantly wanted to feel accepted by others. Your alien-like aura in the primary school classroom ended up you being bullied for the first half of primary school, and if I'm completely honest it drops your self-esteem massively. At around 9 years old, you found yourself putting concealer over your dark circles and you looked in the mirror and immediately thought you were ugly - children can be cruel. Don't get me wrong, you still were generally quite happy and everything, but when people asked to be your boyfriend as a joke, that got you down quite a bit. You should see your 15 year old self - puberty can be a beautiful thing, that's for sure. You finally see how much of a beautiful person you are, I cannot comprehend how much happier you become within yourself.
The whole "trying to fit in" thing continued throughout primary school and the beginning of secondary school, and I can assure you now that it was not worth it. Actually, no, it was worth it. It's allowed your older self to reflect and learn from your mistakes, which is probably the most important part of growing up. But honestly, the constant change of clothes and school bags and personality and getting upset over others not accepting you is really not worth the hassle and negativity that it caused you.
At around 13 years old, you discover an odd YouTube channel called 'danisnotonfire'. Boy, that changed everything. After binge-watching Dan's (and eventually AmazingPhil's) YouTube channel for the entire summer, you decide to create a tumblr - partly thanks to the persuasion of your new Scottish friend Alison. I think we can all agree here that everyone had an awkward start to the blogging world, and I was no exception. However, joining tumblr was probably one of the worst yet best decisions of your life. Worst, because it knocked your ongoing streak of doing school work efficiently. Best, because it's completely turned your self-esteem around and allowed you to meet some amazing friends. In fact, you've just hit 10,000 followers on there! Pretty cool, if I do say so myself.
Tumblr has educated you on so many things such as feminism and the reality of the media, as well as teaching you to become a more open and accepting person (which becomes quite important as you get older, but let's not get into that).
I think from about Year 9 onwards, you realise that life is actually pretty great. Yeah, there are still some ups and downs, such as not doing too well on tests and being insecure with your intelligence, but you meet some pretty incredible friends. There's Alison, who you start the blog with and have amazing times with. There's Caitlin, who is always motivating you to try harder and is there to support you through thick and thin. There's Maddie, who is really nice and patient with you, no matter how dumb you may seem at times. And there's also a newcomer, Tia, who may seem a bit strange at first but is actually a really sweet person.
There's also a guy who you may think is amazing and you end up having a hopeless crush on him, and admittedly you guys do get pretty close and nearly get to having a relationship. But, again, it's not worth it. He's problematic, goes against your own beliefs, and no matter how much you think he's special and treats you nicely, you don't want that sort of person in your life. I know, you're 14 and you want a boyfriend, and now that you finally have a guy treating you how you wanted after such a long time, of course you're gonna want to go out with him. But please, wait until you're absolutely sure you will be happy to be in a relationship before you rush into anything. Take your time, don't let others make you feel pressured to grow up. You are so full of potential, and you grow into a beautiful person, inside and out, don't let that be wasted on someone who you feel won't be right for you.
You've got a lot ahead of you in life, such as Summer in the City, dealing with serious issues with friends, and coming to terms with yourself and those around you. But, you get the role of senior prefect in secondary school, and you get an A* in your English mock exam and coursework. You should be proud of your achievements, even if you feel that they aren't as big as others'. Embrace what you've been given, embrace what you have accomplished, embrace what makes you happy.
I hope my future self meets someone that's right for her. I hope my future self learns to become secure with her intelligence and her paths in life. I hope my future self is happy, because that's what is most important in life, isn't it?
See you soon with another blog post,
- Alison and Sabrina